How to Look Totally Ridiculous in Business Attire

I went to an interview for a casual F&B Attendant position the other day and was told to come in black business pants / slacks and black leather shoes. When the interviewer was checking my outfit, she said "Oh! Thank you! You're wearing black socks! Bless you!" 

Huh? 

I looked at the other applicants and discovered a lot wearing white and coloured socks with their black slacks and shoes, amongst many other things. I realised then and there, some people like to look ridiculous in business attire. So here I am, giving some pointers on how to successfully look totally ridiculous!

1. Non-Black Socks with Black Shoes and Slacks

Yes, because it's awesome to look like Jackie Chan in his old movies, right? Like, totally going for the Kung Fu look there. You know, because the white/other-colour socks puts a discontinuity of colours, making the pants look shorter than it should be. Forget the fact it was old-school-countryside China and this is formal business wear. Go Jackie Chan!

2. Short Socks with Black Shoes and Slacks

Back in university, it is common protocol to wear business attire whenever we have to present. I remember my marketing professor telling one guy "I bet your mom didn't see you before coming to school. No mother in their right mind would let you out of the house looking like that!" as his socks ended just at his ankles. So yes! We don't want to look like our moms approve of our outfit! That's, like, totally lame.

3. Put Shirt Collar ABOVE Suit Lapel

YES! Because John Travolta did it in Saturday Night Fever, we MUST do it too! Never mind that suits today has a collar 20 times smaller than he did then and the fact that it is a different era: plus points to looking absolutely ridiculous!

4. Do Not Take Off Suit Jacket When Sitting Down

Why bother? Such a waste of time when one has to put it back on right after standing. Ugh! So, keep it on and enjoy looking totally awkward with stiff movements and having your suit jacket folding below your hips. 

5. Do Not Button Suit Jacket

There is a soft rule called "Sometimes, Always, Never" referring to suit bottons. From top to down, sometimes close the top, always the middle, never botton the last. On the other hand, a lot of formal rules would stick to buttoning up all of them to look more formal. 
So confusing, right? So don't bother! Yay to looking totally clueless!

5. Wear Shoes That Will Make You Look Constipated

Choose your most painful, high-heeled, tight-toed shoes for that perfect sweaty forehead, grumpy face and can-barely-walk waddle. Mmmhmm, that's the way to finish the look and convince possible employers or colleagues you revel in looking totally ridiculous. 


Note: If  one cannot detect the sarcasm and humor in my tone, I hereby then put in writing that the intention of this post is to state what to avoid and not to do. 

Interview Must Brings!

So you've done your company research, ironed your outfit and think you're ready to rock that job interview. I have had too many misfits and examples of what-could-go-wrong-will-definitely-go-wrong stories to go to battle unprepared. Here is a list of what I would consider necessary armoury and why.

1. GPS or decent print out of area street  map

You've Googled up the location saying it's "7 minutes walk from Central Station" and you've been to the area plenty of times so the place would be fairly easy to get to. Unless you've walked all those streets everyday, it would be a fair bet you don't even know half of the streets in that suburb. Don't let yourself be late because you couldn't figure out whether you should go left or right.

2. Hair Pins and / or hair products (gel, spray, wax - whatever you like best to use)

You may have done all your prep back in your bathroom, but when mother nature strikes, be happy to know you won't be licking your palm to flatten your hair. (When I do my prep, I like to put a soft hair mousse then hot blow-drying my hair in place so when the wind messes it up, my hair will pretty much easily mould back to its "setting".)

3. A little bottle of mouthwash

Maybe you were too nervous during the train ride and salivated too much with your mouth shut, maybe you had a cigarette and then your mouth is starting to get too stale or maybe you popped a sugar-rich candy. Toothbrush in a public toilet is a bit too much (it is, here in Sydney, anyway) so mouthwash is your best bet and pretty much easy to use. Literally takes less than 10 seconds to gargle, spit, run the water to rinse the sink. As for mints, a lot of menthol candy are filled with sugar so when you're already sporting a stale breath, the sugar messes it up some more. Oh, yes, you know what I'm talking about.

P.S. use the public-access toilet where you got off from your commute...I've found it hard to find one between public transport and private offices. And you don't want to be gargling at your interviewer's toilet. Just a bit too tacky!

4. Band-aids

Most people I know will sport their best pair of shoes when heading to an interview. Unfortunately, our prettiest shoes rarely are the most comfortable ones. Also, if you've never been to where your interview is going to be, you're not sure how long you're going to walk nor how much uphill-downhill you'd trek through(specially in Sydney!). Prior to wearing the shoes, slap on those band-aids where the shoes get mean and bring spare ones with you in case they come loose or you have to double-layer 'em up. If they're brand new, you're not really sure where they're going to hurt so better grab a handful. When I have more space in my bag, I even bring spare flats or slippers for after the interview. (Not before! You're not sure if you'd have the opportunity to change into your pretty ones before you get there! Some areas, it's hard to find a toilet. Play safe.) 

5. Tissue

Back in the Philippines, every other person has a small pack of tissue with them(this could be due to the inexistent tissue on tissue holders in public toilets). But half the time, we use them for emergencies outside the lavatory and I only realised this after I stopped carrying tissue here in Sydney. Heat / nervousness making you sweat too much or even getting you to grease up, sudden wind making you sneeze, stepping on a wet puddle(or getting splashed by someone else!), I can go on and on! Tissue is one of the world's cruel products which you can't find any when you need it the most. So, as we used to say in the Girl Scouts, always be prepared!

What Not to Say Over Facebook and Twitter

When I read articles from recruiters or ask someone working in Human Resources, most of the time, they say they look up applicants' Twitter, Facebook, etc. This made me spend the past few days cleaning up the content of my accounts and cringed at some regrettable-what-was-I-thinking statements / photos. (Some stuff I was reluctant to get rid off as they hold great memories and believe I would love to look back and laugh at. So these I kept in my private accounts which are not visible to potential employers.)

The difference with typing and actually saying it is that type has taken out the tone which you might have had in mind. Jokes may be taken as sarcasm, sweetness maybe understood as clinginess and so on. Now I want to take the time, as a reminder to myself and a warning to whoever reads this, to create a guideline when posting things. 

Keep your dirty mouth away from the keyboard.

Cursing always sound different from when you say it in person. An innocent "fuck you" to a friend may sound totally innocent in your head but when someone reads it, it puts a negative pull at the back of one's head. For example, one along the street might hear someone talking like this: "Oh that fuckin' chicken tasted totally fuckin' retarded. Don't screw with me, bitches!" But when you just read it, it feels a bit offensive, doesn't it? Even if it was not directed to you!

The Internet world may be your stage, but keep your drama out of it.

Unless your drama is your line of business or you are seriously asking for help(i.e. donations for a loved one's illness, posting lost pets), refrain from weeping all your woes publicly or participating in cyber-wars. It is the same as seeing an eye-scratching-stiletto-cat-fight in the street: people will look for their amusement but will not want to get close.  It shows that you're the type of person who likes to make a public spectacle of all the wrong things. Your accounts are representations of yourself, it is your very own advertisement. Use it wisely. Call a friend. Talk to someone, personally.

Do not post EVERY SINGLE THING in your life.

Have you ever looked at an A2 cork board in a cafe with 500 flyers on it? You'll skim your eyes over it for a while but won't bother to remember anything about any of it. (Also, it opens a door to potential burglars if you're too detailed with your personal life but that's a different topic on its own) I'm not saying don't get personal, but do control what you release. For example, it is ok to share which movies or books you've just finished then add some opinion. This shows your personality. But here is an example of too much, too useless:

• Going to the movies. Can't decide what to watch.
• Decided to watch Toy Story.
• Eating a scone from Starbucks before going to watch Toy Story. Still got time.
• In line to buy popcorn at the movies. Horrendously long.
• It is time to turn off my phone because the movie's about to start. See you later!
• Just finished watching Toy Story. Someone in the cinema laughed too loud!
• I think Toy Story was cute and sweet. I'm a child-at-heart forever.
• The other day I watched Toy Story with Jane Doe and now I want a Buzz Lightyear.

Speak English or any other real language, for that matter of fact.

This could be just a personal stickler with me but I cannot tolerate looking at badly spelt statements with no sense of grammar. Typographical errors, on one hand, (except when your text is job-application-oriented) are acceptable in the right amount as they can be honest mistakes and I am guilty of some every now and then. An entire phrase with words which are not real words and using numbers / symbols for letters is simply gibberish. And nobody worth knowing likes to talk to someone responding in gibberish. So unless you're sending a telegram during war, don't make up your own fake language.

Reread before hitting "Post", specially feeling TOO passionate about posting it.

Especially if it is a rant or complaint: get up, grab some tea, find a way to relax then come back. Our emotions get the best of us and what we may find totally proper to say at an emotional outburst will sound absolutely ridiculous, even to yourself once you settle down in normal state-of-mind.